The Crush

June 13, 2007

I did one of the bravest things in my life today, when I look back at it now I might even be tempted to call it silly, but I won’t. OK here’s what I did; I told a girl I had a crush on her. Hey, just before you give me the boot, why don’t you hear what lead to this.

Elma’s in my class, actually we’re friends but that didn’t stop me developing some feelings for her (note the word “develop” meaning it didn’t just spring up overnight). I’d known her since our first year in Med school, a friend of mine introduced us and I liked her (yes…like, not absolutely tripping head over heels, just like) instantly, I guess then it was her voice, but over time I noticed other things I liked about her; I could talk with her comfortably, she had this absolutely nice, giving personality that really drew me closer to her, and then her eyes too, really beautiful. She possessed a look you would describe as wide eyed innocence.

Anyway, I think the feelings I had towards her started developing in our second year. I’m not very sure when, it could have been anytime within the first semester, the hols or maybe second semester. Among our group of friends, we have this make-believe world where everyone’s assigned certain roles, hey! Its nothing formal, just something we play and joke about. OK, so some people are Dads, mums, sisters, husbands, wives etc. anyway, I landed the role of Elma’s ex-hubby and it stuck (don’t ask me how, I don’t know myself). Trust me this wasn’t helping me at all. I thot the feelings would just shake off, for God sake I know she’s my friend but its not like one can control certain feelings.

Today was one of our Andrea’s birthday, (incidentally Elma’s closest friend amongst us all) so we decided to have a sit out around 12noon. I was busy with some other stuff like trying to get fuel for my car and a card for Andrea so I joined them around 2pm. It was a fast food joint, we had lots of fun and just stuck around gisting and making fun of one another. All the while, Elma was looking drop dead gorgeous and I just couldn’t help myself, you can’t imagine how I felt throughout the period. It was like I betrayed someone,…her. I dropped Andrea and Elma at her respective places at about 4:30pm and headed someplace else.

When I got home around 7pm, I decided I had to do something about all these (the feelings) that’s when I composed a txt telling her how I’ve got a crush on her, how I couldn’t help but tell her to save myself from going crazy and how I hoped she wouldn’t be mad n still remain my friend. It took me sometime and a lot of courage to do it but I finally sent it. I had to say something, I was going nuts. Seriously, its not that kind of hit and run feeling I’m having. I’ve analysed it over time (its been two years since we’ve been friends) and I’m sure. I know it will not work out cos we live in separate towns, she only schools in Calabar and based on experience, turning a friendship to a dating relationship never works and don’t think I haven’t tried to kill the feeling, I have; but even getting a girlfriend has not helped issues. I just hope she doesn’t hate me now, cos that would just complicate issues further. I’m just confused. Really confused.


June 14, 2007

I called Elma this morning around 8:30am I asked if she got my text and she said she did. I then went ahead to say, I know I wasn’t supposed to harbour such feelings about her but I just couldn’t help it I couldn’t also go around calling her my friend with these feeling burning within me. I was surprised when she said she understands and that we would talk about it when next we see and that she wasn’t mad at me or anything of the sort. So, there its done. I can’t turn back the hands of time so I’ll just wait and hear what she has to say.

She was even more understanding than another lady (she’s much older than me, maybe about 6 years) whom I recently told I had a crush for when I was younger, she just no gree understand that it was in the past. Omo see raking now, I immediately regretted telling her. It was all so funny to me, I just wonder if she did not get what I said or maybe the English was a bit too confusing for her, I told her I had not I have. I got me to imagine what would have happened if I told her I have a crush for her right now? Maybe I wouldn’t be typing this by now or I would be typing from a hospital bed. Well I finally said make she no vex oh! that I thought she could handle it a bit more maturely and stop making an issue over it. It was just so funny to see a big girl like that acting up. She ended by saying we shouldn’t talk about it again, and that she would stop calling me. Like I really care if she does? Abeg, I’ve got a whole lot on my mind to care about.

Second Issue:
I usually oversee things at my dad’s computer firm when I’m on holiday and there’s this girl that works for us. Anyway she invited me to come know her place last week and we had a little thing (not sex outright) but I was a bit tight that day and I wasn’t fully in control of my actions. Since then whenever I’m in the inner office she’s come in sit with me and we would just talk.

Its raining outside today and I was just sitting here typing the beginning part of this when she walked in a while ago, rested her elbows on the table beside my laptop, her face was like 3inches from mine and started telling me how she missed me yesterday and all that, I just kept going like “hmm, are you sure” and “really?”, not wanting to say anything else that I might regret later. Anyway she moved after a while and went to sit across the table from me, asking if she could stay, since my Dad was in the outer office. I just told me she could if she wanted to, but since my dad was around, maybe she should come back later. See me see wahala O! somebody pls help, can all these be happening to a guy in 2 days?

My Art Life - 3

I’m very sure that when I said I’ve got all it takes to become a force to reckon with in the world of Art, some people were like he’s just laying down one of those lines. Well I decided to dig up some of my current works so U can see a lil of what I’m talking about.

MOI

This one is a self portrait of me at the age of a year plus or maybe two, can't remember. Of course I didn't draw it at age two. Just means the portrait depicts what I looked like at that age. Did this like a month ago

MY MUM

Yeah, so I got a bit sentimental and decided to draw my mum, well maybe you'll tell me how it looks, Some progress reports here...

Just started the piece, I always start with the face, particularly the eyes. Unfortunately, I didn't get to show the earlier parts, Maybe someother time

Worked on the clothing and its all going well

I admit, the hair gave me some tough time but I overcame.

I'm almost done with this piece and I'll keep you posted as soon as I'm through. So who still thinks I don't have what it takes to become an Armin Mersmann someday, eh?

My Art Life – 2

Yesterday was children’s day here in Nigeria, and I was just thinking…you know how we always said what we would love to be when we grew up. When I was growing up, I heard a lot of; “I want to become an Engineer”, “I want to become a Doctor”, “… a Lawyer”, “… a banker”, “… an accountant” and so on. I never once heard “I want to be a farmer” or “shoemaker”, or “trader”, maybe a “cook”, or even an “artist”! so as a young boy, I followed suit, I wanted to be a Doctor (don’t get me wrong, I still want to be a doctor) and I followed my dream; I’m currently training to become a Doctor (although at some point in my life, I wanted to be an Engineer too)

Well after meeting John Duey, Armin Mersmann and Linda (via their websites), I think I’ve come to that point in my life where I’m beginning to think that maybe I want to become an artist, a graphite artist to be precise. Don’t start persecuting me just yet, till you hear how that came to be. I’ve been drawing since I was a kid and I actually got better as the days passed. Well, I never thought of going professional until I visited Linda’s site and realized she charged $200.00 per single-person pencil portrait and that was the least she was charging.

Anyway things got really serious when I visited Duey’s site and saw a link directing me to Armin Mersmann’s site. I’d heard of Armin before and seen the link too but I never gave it a thought. A few days ago, I finally visited his site and now I almost wish I didn’t (well,…almost). Bottom line is I discovered Armin sells his pencil portraits for anything in the range of a whooping $6,000.00 and upwards.

Now that you know my reasons, I’m sure you won’t blame me too much for wanting to become a graphite artist. I’ve got a lot of what it takes, and I’m acquiring the rest. I’ve also improved greatly in my art since My Art life, but I just can’t back out of Medicine now; I’ve gone quite far and I intend to see it to completion, but who says I can’t be an “artist-doctor” or a “doctor-artist” eh?

All Hail Nigerian Bloggers

I was just going through some blogs by my Nigerian Brothers and Sisters, una too try. Abeg someone give us a clap offering, I’m extremely proud to be Nigerian. Is there something like a Nigerian Fans’ Club? I would love to join to reassert my love, best blogs I read today include:

Waffy Girl
Confused Naija Babe
Calabar Gal2
Mrs Somebody
Baba Alaye

But everybody try sha…l8a

Imagine

I could really do with a change of skin right now, last night I was thinking or rather imagining myself, a naked three year old trotting along the beach the gentle breeze caressing my body and the gentle sun rays bathing my entire being.

It was such a nice feeling while it lasted, until I had to come back to the harsh reality that it was just an imagination. Anyway my imaginations are not always thus inclined, its just something I’m passing through. I feel numb to everything going on around me; its just like one minute you’re being tickled with a thousand feathers and you’re giggling your head off and the next minute you just go numb like someone just flicked a switch the wrong way, you can’t feel a thing, you’re scared, really frustrating right?

We sometimes feel we know where we’re headed, we imagine we know what we’re doing and so we set off; 24hrs, 7days…a month, 1year, hey we seem to be doing just fine but wait!, all of a sudden we realize…we took the wrong turn like 10months ago and we need to track back but unfortunately, the sands of time have drifted over our footprints and we’re lost in the middle of nowhere (imagine yourself in a vacuum screaming help! Damn it, no one can hear you), so you get the picture, I don’t want to make such a mistake.

I’ve got this thing for perfection; I imagine, I must have the perfect job, the perfect status, live the perfect way of life, have perfect dates, a perfect wife and then subsequently perfect kids but lately I’ve come to learn that life isn’t perfect and that’s annoying, really annoying and that’s what got me imagining in the first place. OK, Suppose we could all start over again, suppose we could all be three year olds again and then think and act differently, maybe there would be perfect people on earth, perfect dates, perfect everything. But we can’t all be perfect,…or can we? Well, I’ve also learnt one other thing lately,

“perfection is in the eyes of the beholder.”

Think about it…

My Art Life

My Art life

Well enough about the girls for now cos I think there’re more important things to discuss like my art. Oh I guess that wasn’t made public, well I think I’m a talented graphite artist (meaning I draw with pencil) still striving towards perfection but I’ll let you judge all that.
However, due to the nature of my studies, I tend to have little or no time to pursue and advance my beloved pastime so a lot of my works are somewhat incomplete, coupled with the recent loss of my hard drive (a loss I still mourn) I have very limited no of my works on display.
However I’m approaching my long holidays soon so I think I should be able to do some more.
Well, here’re a few of my works

Remi

A commissioned work, but as you can see its somewhat incomplete cos I lost the copy of the picture along with my hard drive. I work with the computer in my art to somewhat blow the pics up for more detail. So like I said its incomplete, thanks to my faulty drive.

My nephews

This one’s not in graphite. I rendered this in ink, (blue to be precise). Just a spark of inspiration one afternoon and I decided to do a portrait of them of course not life that would be highly impossible as those two are the most “unstable” people you’ve met.

Ukpa

Another commissioned work, spent like 3 days on this, luckily I had time to complete this and deliver it.

Didn’t think of it now but in my next post I should be able to let you see the reference pics so you can make your judgments. Criticisms (especially from artists) would be most welcome

Well my ISP's are still giving me hell but I'm currently hooking up another deal with a new ISP.

Anyway, back to the gist of the season. I finally hooked up with one of the girls chick #2 (See Previous blog). But I guess I did it out of pressure and I'm already regretting now that I know a bit more about her.

I figured my problem out while talking to my best friend (who incidentally is a girl too!); I discovered that I keep running this background comparison of the girls I date against my Perfect date and I tend to lose interest if they don't measure up. I don't know if this is wrong or right, but its my way of ensuring that I stay happy (that may sound a bit selfish).

Well its happening again, and at the moment chick #2 doesn't seem to be measuring up and again I'm beginning to lose interest again! its a vicious cycle and I don't know when its gonna end but I'll just stick with her for a while (though I'm totally bored) and see how things go.

Its too early to break up right?